Hatori and the College of DOOM
by Little Stone
Summary: Shigure and Ayame are unhappy that Hatori is leaving them. Let's just say that you should pity Hatori.
1. Some People Can't Just Say Goodbye

**Hatori and the College of DOOM**

I own nothing.

This is dedicated to my little sister, my favorite Taurus. You have always been my "straight man" (AKA Hatori) for my crazy stories, including this one. Happy birthday!

* * *

**Chapter one: Some People Can't Just Say Goodbye**

"I can't believe that our Hari is leaving us!" wailed Ayame.

"After all we've done to sabotage his chances of going to Tokyo University, he got in anyway. And as an honors student, too," Shigure sighed.

Ayame collapsed on his soft sofa, dramatically. "What shall we do without him? We are doomed, doomed!"

"I know," said Shigure. "But we have to let him go."

"What are you saying, Gure? I'll die without our Hari, just like a flower after spring's last morn!"

Shigure jotted down that phrase. It would come in handy for his new novel, _My Lady Juliana*_. "Listen to this, Aya. He goes to college and hates it so much that he comes back…"

"…And shall never leave us again," Aya finished. "Oh joy, joy! Tell me my part and I will enact it."

Shigure was scribbling furiously. "I'm writing a script for you. You're going to call this number and say this," he said, giving his cousin a piece of paper."

Ayame gasped. "Brilliant! You really think that this will work?"

"So long as you do the talking. People always are suspicious of me even when I'm on the phone with them. You, though, can sweet-talk anyone who doesn't know you yet into doing anything," Shigure said.

Ayame smiled at the compliment and started to dial the first number.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Hatori packed methodically, but he was thinking hard. He thought of the laxatives his cousins had slipped into his health drink on the day he took his AP bio exam. He thought of the prank letters to Tokyo University they had sent to destroy his career. He thought of the rude pictures they had drawn on his assignments. He even thought of their last prank, in which they had covered him in zombie makeup when he was sleeping the night before his interview at Tokyo University. In truth, Hatori was worried about what they were going to do next. Ayame would do anything to make him stay and Shigure had a particularly evil mind.

But then he remembered that he had left the drink undrunk after seeing the little note taped to the bottom saying _fooled you! _ He remembered intercepting both the nasty letters about him and the anatomy report and tossing the former and re-printing the latter. And he remembered scrubbing the paint off with some prescription makeup remover that he had handy. (They had tried this trick too many times before). In each case, Hatori was prepared for their tricks and had intercepted them.

Hatori was taking a vacation from those two demons and he deserved it.

While concentrating on his determination to dodge whatever life threw at him, he nearly leaned on a squeezie bottle containing, no doubt, garbage-smelling liquid. Those two idiots!

* * *

* Juliana is the personification of July in poems by Andrew Marvell. _My Lady Juliana_ was the name that Shigure gave _Summer Colored Sigh_ while he was writing it. (I totally made that one up.)

Thanks for reading! It will get more funny as it goes along (I hope).

-Little Stone

* * *

**OK- fun announcement time! If you want me to use a variation of your name for characters, please respond saying so. I will mash up your name, for example if name is xxxCinderellaxxx I will call you Sandy Salmonella (or something). You can also submit names you want me to use straight. **


	2. Free at Last?

I own nothing.

This one's for my older brother who reads my fanfiction on girly stories like Furuba and then actually compliments me. You're the best!

* * *

**Chapter Two: Free at Last?**

The day had come for Hatori to escape. He had woken up early and now he was bringing his suitcases to the waiting cab. The driver, a giant of a man, and hairy too, hefted Hatori's luggage into the trunk. "Yer friends are already here," he said.

This was not good. Hatori had told Ayame and Shigure that he was going at eleven, and it was nine now. Well, he had tried!

Shigure leered at him. "Why, good morning, Hatori Sohma," he said. "Nice to catch you up so bright and early."

Ayame chimed in. "Oh, Hari! You must have been too sad to say goodbye to us! But Hatori, it will not be forever!"

"I wish it was," Hatori muttered, and got in the front passenger seat. The driver started the car. "And what have I told you about camping out on my lawn?"

"But we had to-" Ayame's reply was cut off because an owl had flown directly into the windshield and bounced off with a thunk.

The driver cursed into his beard. Then they all sat in silence for a while until Shigure spoke up.

"Remember the time you were driving us in your car, Tori?"

"Which time?" asked Hatori wearily, craning his neck around the seat.

"The time when you were driving and we were distracting you by singing 'Made you have a Bad Day'* and then you crashed and we died and then came back. **

"I was an angel!" exclaimed Aya.

"In your dreams," muttered Hatori. "Why did you bring this up?"

"Because I'm going to miss those good old days. Maybe one day I'll write a story about us and-"

"Don't you dare!" gritted Hatori. "I refuse to be written about in one of your smutty books!"

Shigure pretended to look worried. "Uh-oh," he said. "What if I already did?"

Hatori was about to kill him right then, but Aya piped up. "You wrote about me? Oh, Gure," he sighed, grabbing Shigure's face, "I'll never forget this debt I owe to you."

"Let go of him," said Hatori. "You don't know when he washed his face last."

Aya gasped and took out handkerchief to clean his hands with. "Oh, Hatori," he sighed, "I know not what I will do without you. I am like a lamb without her shepherd!"

Shigure scribbled down that last line for his latest novel, _Passionate Moonbeams_. Ayame was a useful friend to have around.

Aya sighed again. "How I hate what we are doing to you, dearest cousin!" Shigure plucked a hair off of his head as a sign for him to shut up.

But Hatori knew that they were up to something. "What are you guys planning?" he asked.

Shigure shoved an emergency script into Ayame's hands, glad that Hatori was in the front seat. "I do apologize for waiting for you this morning. We should have respected your privacy. Tori, I'm so sorry!" Ayame finished sincerely.

Hatori glared, but his suspicions eased. "Well, I'm glad that you learned your lesson," he said gruffly.

Shigure tried not to laugh. He wasn't as good an actor as Ayame was, but he could manage it.

Finally, the cab stopped. "Yor arrived, Hatori," said the driver. He waited outside for Shigure and Ayame to come back.

Hatori stood at the platform. His train was to come at 9:45, and he had fifteen minutes until then.

"Look at those poor people!" said Ayame in the loudest, rudest voice you can imagine.

A few paces away, there was a red-haired family saying their goodbyes to each other. Ayame continued. "I wouldn't be surprised if that child's shirt cost less than $1500."

"Shut up, Ayame. I'm embarrassed to be around you."

Meanwhile a young boy with dark hair and glasses approached Shigure. "I'm kind of lost, sir. My uncle dropped me off here alone and I don't know the way to my platform."

Shigure smiled kindly. "Have you ever been to the station here before?"

"No, sir. I'm actually an immigrant."

"Don't worry, boy. I think the platform you want is just across the tracks. You just have to go down and then climb up to again." Shigure pointed to a service ladder that went down to the train tracks. "Good luck at school!"

"Thanks, sir." The boy took his luggage and started for the ladder. Hatori suddenly noticed the boy trying to lower his suitcase down to the tracks.

"Stop! It's not safe," he exclaimed, dragging the boy away from the platform's edge right before a train rushed by. Hatori helped the boy to the correct platform.

"I knew it was you," he said to Shigure when he came back. "Don't you have a conscience at all?"

Shigure smiled. "What did I do, Hatori?"

Hatori fumed.

His train came and he got on without saying goodbye to either of them. As the train moved away, Ayame started keening, "Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiii! Aaaaaaaeeeeee!"

A professor who taught Greek literature took out a recording device. Ayame sounded just like one of the wailing women he taught about.

"Don't worry, Aya," said Shigure. "We'll get revenge and we'll get him back."

"We must!" exclaimed Ayame.

* * *

And on the train, Hatori was thinking that was heading towards a better life. But unknown to him, he was rushing headfirst into a hell.

* * *

*My sister came up with the lyrics, to the tune of "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. It's basically a song Ayame and Shigure made up for Hatori's birthday, about how much they ruin his life. I'll try to get the lyrics posted sometime.

**A story I want to write.

OK- Just because this chapter was filled with HP references doesn't mean that I'll continue to plague you with HP for every chapter. No, I'll plague you with something else! ;)

Also, kind of important: I'm not doing any romance between the cousins. Aya is flamboyant and clingy, it's his personality disorder.

All the Best!

-Little Stone


	3. Disappointment

I don't own anything.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Disappointment**

The train stopped outside the university, and Hatori got out. The building was just as he remembered from orientation: a square, gray building with the words "TOKYO UNIVERSITY OF MEDICINE" at a perfect horizontal angle. Hatori stiffened his spine and soldier-marched inside the main building. He loved his place, and all that it represented: seriousness, professionalism and higher learning.

The reception area was painted a light gray and the desk and picture frames were a dark gray. The white tile floor was spotless. There was a picture of Ben Carson and a portrait of Galen. There was also a winged staff carved out of marble by the door. Hatori breathed in deeply, trying to take in the rich flavors of formaldehyde and ammonia. This was heaven.

"Papers, please," snapped the receptionist.

Hatori saluted crisply and handed over his identification papers. If he was the gleeful sort, he would have grinned.

The lady at the desk perused the documents and frowned. "I suppose you did not receive the letter?" she asked, frowning.

"What letter?"

"The one saying that the medical campus has moved, and that another branch of TU now resides here." She paused. "No? I'll buzz Dr. Dark."

Hatori was disappointed that his school had moved from this wonderful building, but it was no major setback. He was prepared for anything.

Dr. Dark arrived promptly. She was a short, middle-aged, pale woman with glasses that magnified her dark eyes. She had a mass of shoulder-length dark hair, straightened perfectly. She didn't reassure Hatori with a smile. Dr. Dark introduced herself and led Hatori to a van with tinted windows. Hatori sat behind the driver and Dr. Dark sat next to him.

Hatori noticed that you couldn't see _outside_ the van either, which made the fact that they were moving very fast confusing and maybe frightening. "How does the driver see where he's going?" he asked.

"He can't, either."

They finally got to the correct campus, and Dr. Dark pushed Hatori out of the van. The buildings were arranged in a circle with a fountain in the middle. The fountain was an oddly alluring sparkling rainbow color. Worse, the buildings themselves were painted in non-traditional hues. Where could poor Hatori rest his weary eyes? If only he had a bucket of solid gray paint…

Dr. Dark was talking. "That purple building is where your classes and labs are. The yellow one is for admin. You may not go beyond the first floor without permission. The green building has the cafeteria, library, and student resources. The gold is the boys' dorm and the silver is the girls'. I better not catch you fooling around there after 10 PM, boy. You'll find a playing field behind the dorms. If you have any questions, ask your RA who will meet you in the gold building." Without another word, she stumped off.

Hatori dragged his luggage over to his dorm and hoped for the best.

* * *

Sorry for the wait guys! I don't know what kind of crazy is reading my mind-spew, but I apologize for the quality of this chapter, Disappointment. This is probably the most sober chapter I've ever written in comedy. Fortunately, the next one (put out together with this one) is fun and games again.


	4. My College Dorm

I own nothing except for this statement because otherwise the statement itself would be invalid and I would probably get sued which is bad because I'm not a rich famous author. Maybe Shigure should not have been my inspiration. Just kidding!

* * *

**Chapter Four: My College Dorm**

The kid sitting at the chair next to the desk was certainly not the Resident Assistant. He was too young. More importantly, he had this goofy look on his face; he was biting his chin with his upper teeth. Knowing that this was a very serious school of higher learning despite his unfortunate encounters just a few minutes ago, he assumed that the boy had a serious overbite.

"Are you the RA?" he asked politely.

"Naaaw. He'f fowing in fome ftttudents. Be back in five."

"Oh," Hatori said. "What's his name?"

"Tom Ftone. But we call him 'A Little Ftowned."

"A Little Stoned?" This did not sound good.

Just then, Stone(d) came staggering out of the elevator. He stuffed some crumpled papers into his hand. "What?"

"Where is my room?" asked Hatori.

"5Q. Go up three flights of stairs and turn left. That all, dirtbag?"

This was impossible. "Yes," said Hatori, heading for the stairwell.

The instructions also turned out to be impossible. Finally Hatori looked at the papers Stone gave him and figured out where to go. And it was 5D, not 5Q. At least there weren't many students around yet. It was likely that he would get a good bed.

He was walking down the proper hall, happy that he was almost at his room, when he heard really loud music coming from 5C, the room right across the hall from his. The door was open and Hatori could see a boy sitting with a karaoke machine, belting out his own lyrics to popular songs.

_I've got an M-16  
And a hit list in my pocket.  
I'm going huntin'  
But not for some mutton,  
Maybe a nice person._

_I'm gonna kill you lad  
With just the things in my pockets…  
I don't really wanna  
But someone's gotta.  
I'm already sick of school.*_

Oh, didn't see you there. Would you like to join me? I'm practicing this cool song I made up, a "Thrift Shop" rip-off."

"No, thank you," said Hatori, going into 4D and shoving his luggage inside. He could still hear the infernal banging after he shut it again. Now he could pick the best-looking bed…

Yeah, right; despite the early hour all of his roommates were already there. There were four of them and they stood still, creepily watching him as he lugged his stuff over to the remaining bed. It was in a windowless corner and there was a heating unit going full blast (even though it was summer) and it was level with his bed so if he rolled over in the middle of the night he would get badly scorched. There was a battered coffee table with a chair at the foot at his bed; suspiciously, his roommates each had a full-sized desk to work at. His dresser only had one giant drawer and his closet had one giant hangar.

One of the roommates made a little coughing noise and Hatori turned around to face him. He was a tall, skinny boy with dyed orange hair and painted-on freckles. He wore glasses and braces and sneakers and a pocket protector. Trying to make himself into a stereotype, Hatori supposed.

"Welcome to TIME!" the boy said. "My name is Al, earthling."

"Um, what?"

Al smiled. "This is 4D, right? Like as in the fourth dimension, which is time. Call me weird but this place is almost a genuine time machine!"

"Um, OK. My name is Hatori Somah." He smiled, hoping to intimidate the strangers into being normal. "Pleased to meet you."

"You came of your own free will, did you not?" asked a boy who looked like a Halloween vampire.

"Ah, yeah, I guess…"

"Very good. Call me Bram."

"Like the guy who wrote _Dracula_?"

The boy frowned. "On second thought, call me Vlad."

"Nobody knows his real name," said the last roommate. He was a giant, muscular boy. All of his visible skin that wasn't covered by hair was heavily tattooed. "But it's probably girly."

"Humph," said the vampire roommate. He put on a heavy black poncho and left the room.

"What's your name?" Hatori asked.

"I'm Goliath," said the last roommate.

Al sneered. "That's such an idiotic name! You know what happened to the Biblical Goliath in the end, right? David killed him with his slingshot. Brains versus brawns FO LIFE!"

He looked a little disappointed when nobody responded, so Hatori muttered, "I heard of that story."

Immediately Goliath picked Hatori up by his neck and yelled, "HOW DARE YOU, YOU LITTLE WHIMP I'LL GET YOU!" and proceeded to choke the life out of him.

Hatori, of course, kept his head. "I did not insult you, and I am sorry if my words made you think that I did. Please put me down." In his head he thought, _why isn't he going berserk on Al? He's the one who insulted him._

Goliath threw Hatori across the room, and he hit the corner ceiling before falling onto his bed. At least he didn't have a window. Then Goliath stormed out, slamming the door until it rattled. Then he opened it again and slammed it a few more times until the outside doorknob broke off. Then he went away.

"It's just you and me now, Hatori," Al said.

"Get out." Hatori was not amused. The boy got.

_That was a typical thing for me to say to Ayame or Shigure,_ Hatori thought. _I should treat them like I do to my cousins, if I want to survive here. _It was a crummy deal, trading in two crazies who live near him for three crazy roommates, but it would be worth it because he was studying medicine.

* * *

Late that night. Hatori couldn't sleep because of the singer in room 4C.

"_Hey, I'm your neighbor  
And this is crazy.  
It's too late at night  
So shut up, maybe?_

_It's hard to sleep tight  
With your banging.  
And I just got here  
So shut up, maybe?"**_

Finally, the boy stopped singing and Hatori fell asleep.

* * *

Later that night. Hatori felt someone attempting to bite his neck. The attacker obviously didn't know what he doing, he couldn't find Hatori's jugular vein. _How did he get into this college_? "Vlad?" he asked.

The vampire roommate jumped back. "I vanted to suck your blud," he whined.

"Promise me never to do that again," Hatori said. It worked sometimes on his cousins.

"Dracula makes promises to no-one," said the boy.

Al piped up. "Actually, I read the book and-"

"Shut up and let me sleep," said Goliath. He growled menacingly in the dark.

"Yes, please," said Hatori.

He heard Goliath start to get up. "You heard me, boy? Shut up before I knuckle you into a sandwich!"

Hatori mentally added a dozen more things to his list of complaints until finally drifting off to sleep.

* * *

*I do not own "Thrift Shop." I do not even like the song because it is not catchy. I'm not into raps in general for this reason. The first stanza was made with the help of my younger sister.

**I do not own "Call Me Maybe". I like this song.

* * *

Hatori's experience is largely based on mine, though a few previous roommates were normal. For next year, I am going to room with someone who I know is good. I'm going to put even more issues that I had, exaggerated heavily, in the next chapters. Tell me, do you like the musical elements? I'm going to keep doing them until someone tells me to stop.

By the way, if you comment or otherwise contact me about this story, I'm going to add your name somewhere unless you tell me not to. I used my name and another's (without permission, of course) already.

Be well! Wish me luck – I'm having some teeth removed on Tuesday.

-Little Stone, AKA A Little Stoned (if you consider that I'm getting some stuff to numb my mouth up)


	5. Trapped

I own nothing!

If you are going into college, think of this story as your warning.

* * *

**Chapter Five: Trapped**

Hatori woke up at dawn. The sun was rising, birds were singing, and _that weird vampire kid was screaming_. He was on fire, actually. As soon as Hatori recognized the situation, he acted quickly and professionally, grabbing the fire extinguisher from the hallway right outside the room and spraying the burning kid with foam. The fire didn't go out.

"Sun! Sun!" the boy shrieked, over and over. "I am burning from the sun!"

There was a window right across from the bunkbeds, and the rising sun was shining onto the bottom bunk, which was Dracula's Domain. (There was a sign on the wall that named the area.) Al, from the top bunk, threw his blanket to Hatori, who covered the window. Unfortunately, the window was right next to Goliath's bed.

"How dare you wake me!" thundered Goliath. The vampire boy was still screaming. Goliath grabbed Hatori's leg and tripped him, causing Hatori to bang his head on the floor. "This was your last chance. Get out!"

"Now that I am awake, I will," retorted Hatori. "But I will get ready for school first, if that is OK with you." Hopefully he didn't sound too sarcastic.

"Fine, then," muttered Goliath, who threw his head back onto his pillow and started snoring.

But the boy was still burning. Hatori, no longer panicked, quickly realized that the kid had attached red, orange, and yellow lights to himself.

* * *

Hatori sat on a bench near the fountain, waiting for the administration building to open at 8:30. He would bring his complaints there and ask to be transferred to a different room – make that another floor, considering the karaoke guy in 4C. He munched on a health bar and wrote down all the reasons why he should be transferred.

Hours later, Hatori entered the yellow building. He found a cubicle marked "housing assistance" and went in. He rang the bell and sat for five minutes until a woman came and sat behind the glass window he was facing. It was like being in a high-security bank.

"Can I help you?" asked the woman blandly. (And it was only the first day of school!)

Hatori explained his problems with his room, his hall, and the RA who called him a nasty name and appeared to be on drugs. The lady listened, and then asked, "And you want to move, huh?"

"Yes, please," said Hatori.

"You mentioned that you are Hatori Sohma, am I correct?"

"Correct."

"No."

"No?"

"Must you repeat everything I say? Listen, if you were a somebody around here, then yeah, I would transfer you. But you're a nobody, so shut up and deal."

But Hatori _was_ a somebody. He was a Sohma after all, and someone in his family had probably founded this school. He was too polite to bring that up, though. "I understand."

"Good," said the woman. "Now get lost, dirtbag."

While Hatori walked to the exit, all the first-floor staff came out of their cubicles and glared at him. Hatori knew that he was trapped in this harmful environment, stuck with people who seemed out to get him, and doomed to be ever called a dirtbag. But he did not despair because he had come on a mission: to be a great doctor. And he would succeed!

He slipped on a banana peel that someone had carelessly left by the door, and fell outside, hitting his left knuckles hard on the sidewalk. Bruised and bleeding, his phone started ringing as he picked himself up. The administration were pointing and laughing at him. Hatori turned his phone on.

"One moment please," he said in his normal voice. He made his way to the bench and put the phone to his ear.

"Who is this please?" he asked.

"Tori! And how are you this oh-so-lovely day?" Unfortunately, it was Aya.

"Hey, Ayame," said Hatori. "I'm doing great, but I have ten minutes until class, so get to the point. What do you want?"

"Oh, Hari! Why do you have to be so cruel?" Aya sighed.

"Stop that. I really do have class. Anatomy at nine."

"I miss you. Talk to me, Hari!"

Why did he have to be so darn annoying? Why was he so obsessed with Hatori? WHY WHY WHY? "I'll call you after 3, OK? That's when I get out."

Despite Ayame's whines and protests, Hatori clicked off the phone and headed for the purple schoolbuilding. He was determined to wash the blood off and make himself presentable for his first class.

* * *

Ayame had slept over Shigure's house and the two were up and waiting for the phone call. After the special codewords were exchanged, Shigure dialed Hatori's number and handed the phone to Aya. After Hatori answered and was making his way to the bench, Ayame covered the phone and said, "We can't continue this, Gure! Our Tori's hurt and needs us!"

"This is why you're calling him, Aya, to make him feel better. Just don't give a hint about the plan." He carefully neglected to mention that it is best to leave someone who just got mildly injured alone. What kind of mean person would start having a conversation with someone who had just reportedly "slipped on a banana peel and busted his hand?" But Shigure had no conscience. Shigure had no shame.

In a few hours they would call some contacts who were in charge of making Hatori miserable. He hoped they had succeeded, and not just to bring Hatori back. If you haven't realized from the series, Shigure was the family sadist and reveled in his role.

* * *

I hope you liked this chapter! And yes, I believe that Shigure was nastier than Ren –she seemed to have some serious psychological issues, but Shigure seems to enjoy hurting others' oh-so-tender emotions (Shojo manga is weird like that.)

I got my wisdom teeth out, but couldn't keep down anything stronger than Tylonal that first day. Ouch!

Keep well!

-A Little Less Stoned Than I Thought I Would Be


	6. Now it's Your Turn to Learn

I own nothing.

Two days in a row! I'm on a roll!

* * *

**Chapter Six: Now it's Your Turn to Learn**

Hatori stepped briskly into the classroom precisely a minute and a half before lessons started. All the other students were there, sitting at their desks and staring at him creepily. Hatori shuddered and then took the only vacant seat, on the side of the front row, right next to the garbage can. What's more, _it was a lefty desk_. Not good!

The students stared him down as he seated himself and took out his books. The teacher came out of his office and regarded Hatori in the same manner as well. Still not taking his eyes off of Hatori, he introduced himself to the class.

"I am Professor Darren Derailed, but you may call me The Electrician."

This was not how a first class was supposed to go.

This was not what college was about.

This was not what Hatori had come for.

Jokes and tricks and crazy people, ahh-!

The Electrician smiled slightly at Hatori, as if he could read his mind. "The body is an engine, and you are going to learn all of the parts. You would only hire an electrician who knew all the different parts of his trade, correct? And so too, people are going to rely on you to diagnose and fix their problems, knowing that you are familiar with the entire human body. This is your responsibility as a medical student."

Hatori was mentally gasping for air after almost drowning. He started breathing again.

"But that is not the only reason I am called The Electrician. I turn to life!"

_What?_

"You," said The Electrician, pointing to Hatori. "You were the last one to arrive, weren't you?"

"Yes, sir," said Hatori.

"You will be my assistant today. Come to my desk. NOW, Igor!"

Hatori came.

The Electrician took out a dismembered hand from a drawer in his desk. Hatori was happy that he would get to start on the real stuff on the first day, but then he noticed all the wires attached to the hand. He was wary. Very, very wary. (Hatori is too serious to scare easily) The Electrician pressed a button on his remote and the hand started moving on the desk, closer and closer to Hatori. The other students began to scream loudly. The hand crept closer and closer.

Hatori stepped away from the desk. The hand fell off and started to make broken-toy fizzing noises. Its fingers fumbled weakly in the air for a minutes, then died.

"You meant for the hand to crawl up my shirt and choke me, sir?" asked Hatori.

"Why, yes," said The Electrician. "I needed more cadavers to experiment on. I I'm on the verge to discover the secret of life!"

At that moment, the students gathered up in unison and came shuffling towards Hatori, moaning for brains.

* * *

The rest of his classes went that way, too. Dr. Whom, of Bio 1, was shocked that the students hadn't memorized the Hippocratic Oath and forced them to repeat it over for about an hour. On Wednesday (this being Monday), she said, they would all learn how to trace the snake-staff thingy until it was perfect. These were her words. From the lady who made them memorize the oath.

Dr. Dark, who taught psychology, showed them horrible pictures of people who self-injured. The only one who didn't look away was Hatori because he thought it was important, especially since he would be treating his messed up family. Dr. Dark then accused him of calling him a psychopath despite the fact that she seemed to enjoy looking at the pictures herself.

If Hatori had not been so scientifically-minded, he would have enjoyed Ancient Western Literature, taught by Professor Knicht.* He read a tale about some old European knight who failed to get his head chopped off by the Jolly Green Giant.

This all pointed Hatori to the obvious conclusion: this school will not teach him anything useful. So why should he stay? Well, if he got a degree from this place he would be allowed to practice anywhere in Japan. So he could teach himself, get an interning position early, and try to get the best grades he could get from this bogus school. Yes, that is exactly what Hatori would do.

Now he had to call the clowns back home. At least he wasn't responsible for their pranks anymore!

* * *

*The K is pronounced.

I was going to describe all of the classes in length, like the The Electrician's, but that would probably get old. So! Also soon I will introduce another character, if all goes well. A love interest – this is before Hatori went out with Kana, after all (I think that was her name). Don't worry, she is not a Mary-Sue (I hate those) but her name is stolen from someone who liked this story. I was going to put her in anyway, but now I have a name. So thank you!

Until next time!

Little Stone


	7. Aya has a Change of Heart

I own nothing.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Aya has a Change of Heart**

"Hey, Hatori! How are things?" asked Shigure in his most annoying voice.

"Great. Good. Where's Ayame?"

"You don't like me anymore?" the dog whined. He was, in Hatori's opinion, the most annoying person Hatori had ever met; the fact that Shigure was _trying_ didn't put Hatori into a better mood. Though lately there were contenders for Shigure's throne.

"I like you the same as I ever had: not at all. Now get that nitwit on the phone because otherwise he'll be pestering me later."

"Aya? Oh, he's taking his daily bath," said Shigure. This was technically true. Never mind that dear Aya had been "accidentally" locked in the bathroom so that he wouldn't interfere. Shigure took the call from the attic so that Hatori would not hear his cousin's shrieks.

"Doesn't he usually take his bath around midday?" Hatori asked.

"He took one before, but then he found a new soap while shopping and wanted to try it out." Shigure was so slick! That's exactly something that Aya would do!

"Stop lying. Before you said that he was taking his _daily bath_. Where is he?"

Shigure chuckled. "Caught me! Aya didn't call because he doesn't like you anymore!" He hung up.

Hatori wouldn't believe it, but it was fun to keep him guessing. He always had that look on his face as if he were eating a lemon cake that turned out to be a cream pie. (Hatori had no imagination.)

Shigure unlocked the bathroom door. Aya tried to exit, but was repelled by a picture of an ugly person. A person repulsive because of his filth.

Ayame screamed, backed up and fell into the tub.

Shigure snickered. "Don't try advanced gymnastics, now. The doctor is out of town."

"Ai?" asked Ayame. "Is that me I see, covered in g-g-garabage?"

"Yup," said Shigure. "Don't you remember the time when we got off at the wrong train stop and ended up at the dump?"

"I remember now. You pushed me into a mountain of filth."

"You were screaming and flailing around with your eyes closed. While Hatori pulled you out, I snapped this pic, and a few more like it."

"You would use this picture to blackmail me, yes? Nobody would believe that was me." Ayame shook his head and said quietly, in grief, "But it was."

Shigure thought fast. "Well, what do you think the lesson of the story is?" He knew full well how Aya's mind worked.

"We need our Tori, of course!"

"And we will get him back. But only as long as we follow this plan."

Ayame looked dejected. "But I have no stomach for it. Oh, Hari! Poor, poor Hari! Would that I could comfort you!"

"And you can. Call him now and tell him how much you miss him. And in the meantime, try to get a hobby or something. Hatori is more likely to come back if he knows that we won't need him 24-7."

"I'll try," said Ayame. He really would, Shigure knew, because Hatori was Counting on Him. He helped his cousin out of the bathtub and gave him the phone, carefully monitoring Ayame's words.

* * *

Yeah, I know the picture blackmail trick is old. But I wanted to! (That's no excuse, though. What I did should be forever condemned and degraded.) That wacko there should just shut up already! Who cares? (I do.) DIE! *Tries to stab own brain, but it's protected by a tinfoil hat.* Mummy!

Until whenever!

-Little Stone


	8. Hatori's Previous Dating Life

I own nothing.

**Chapter Eight: Hatori's Previous Dating Life**

**Subtitle: Like We Care. After All, Hatori is the Most Boring Person Imaginable.**

Hatori was suspicious after that phone call. Shigure was definitely hiding something, and it had to do with Ayame. Being unimaginative, he didn't realize that his cousins had messed up his college career.

The conversation made him realize an important fact: nobody at TU knew about his cousins! Back home, everyone at school knew how weird Aya and Gure were and avoided all three of the Madubachi trio. Wherever Hatori went, the other two were close behind him, playing pranks on Hatori to make him look ridiculous. Also, their "winning" personalities made all the whackos want to hang out with the Sohmas but at the same time made all of the serious, normal people keep away.

His last dating experience was a disaster. Hatori was going out with an American exchange student at the end of last year. Rosalind was smart, modest, put together and was planning on going into accounting. She went to a different school so she didn't know about Hatori's cousins, and they always met somewhere far away from the Sohma house. But one day while they were planning their wonderful future together at an ice cream parlor, Shigure and Aya turned up, having tracked Hatori from the train station.

Laughing gleefully, Gure had thrown ice cream at the surprised pair while making rude remarks about the couple's compatibility. Aya had jeered at the Rosalind's fashion sense, which was very conservative. When Hatori firmly asked his cousins to stop and leave them alone, Shigure started whining about how Hatori had stolen his dirty magazines and had never returned them. (It was a lie.)

"She is heap of repulsiveness!" wailed Ayame ecstatically.

"Are you sure she is even female?!" howled Shigure, tears running down his face.

In a situation like this, Hatori would often menace his cousins with mace, and sometimes even spray them with it. (Shigure had eventually become immune to the effects of pepper spray.) He wasn't surprised when his cousins just ignored the threat that day, but he was shocked when he sprayed them and _silly string _came out.

Rosalind had had enough. "How dare you play this joke on me!" she screamed, picking silly string off of her sweater. "I thought that you were normal, nice, and intelligent, but I was wrong."

"It's not what it looks like," said Hatori. "I didn't know that my mace canister had been switched."

"Oh, yeah? Who sprays their friends, which these two must be to you, with MACE?"

"I do. It keeps them in line."

Rosalind glared at Hatori and then said in a clear voice, "I will get revenge on you, even if I have to give up my career. Even if you get old and never hear from me, never doubt that one day, I WILL get you."

"No! Don't give up your career!" said Hatori. "The world needs more people like you!"

Rosalind threw Hatori against the wall and grabbed onto his shoulders. She whispered hoarsely, "Beware the moon of Jupiter, the icy moon of doom." She then got up and walked away, never to return.

Hatori tried to call her later, but she had changed her phone number. He hadn't heard of her since.

* * *

But now that sort of thing would never happen. He was an anonymous student at college. He could meet girls without any problems, and smart girls, too; this was a medical college, after all! He smoothed out his clothing, smiled, and got up off the bench, ready to face anything.

* * *

END CHAPTER

Yeah, probably only one other person will get Rosalind's last line. It will be clear to everyone soon.

And this chapter also shows yet again that I think that Hatori is so boring that he's funny.

Also. Very important. This story will NOT go on for a long time; it will not be about an entire semester. Hatori is too smart to be in the dark about the Grand Prank for more than a week, so the story will span a short amount of time. This does NOT mean that I have only a few chapters left, though – lots of stuff will happen. LOVE! DRAMA! ACTION! DEMON SUPPORTERS! (OK maybe I made the last one up.) I think that you will appreciate the condensed plot because reading about Hatori eating breakfast for the fortieth time can get old, and so can skipping though the months until the action happens.

Soon, soon!

-Little Stone


	9. Hatori Decides to Become a Thug

Whew! This was one hard chapter! I do enjoy a challenge.

Once again, I own nothing.

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Hatori Decides to Become a Thug if the Circumstances Require**

Hatori returned to his room to drop off his books and clean up. His roommates were pretending to be sleeping, but Hatori just ignored them. Goliath tried to sleep-kill him as he was coming out of the shower, but Hatori managed to trip him and escape. In the hallway, he met that annoying singer boy from room 4C.

"Heading out, huh? I'll come with you."

"Oh, thanks," said Hatori, trying his hardest to not be rude.

"Great! You know, I haven't told you my name yet. I'm Maledict, haha funny name, no?* I'm heading out to advertise my new band, The Roaches."

"Who else is in your band?" Hatori wanted to avoid them like the plague.

Maledict smiled easily. "No-one else yet. I'm recruiting today." He showed Hatori the banner he was going to use to attract other students. It said "Help! We need Somebody! Anybody!" It was really pathetic, thought Hatori.**

Maledict suddenly turned to him. "Say, you wouldn't want to join up, would you?"

"No, thanks. I don't have much interest in music. Or," he headed the annoying boy off just as he opened his mouth again, "lighting, stage, set up, fundraisers, pie eating contests, or anything else to do with bands."

"Fine, fine," said Maledict. He headed towards the playing fields and started to set up camp. He turned on a DVD player filled with his best songs. The first one was very loud and based off Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance". It was called "Caught in a Bear Trap". It was one of those annoying screamy songs ("Oh! Mommy! Owie! Owww!") that is so popular with teens today.***

As Hatori approached the crowd of students around the fountain, Stone(d), the RA who was most certainly on something high intercepted him. "Hey, dirtbag-"

"I am not a dirtbag. My name is Hatori Sohma and I would appreciate it if you would call me my name instead of insulting me."

"Huhuhu. Listen dirtbag, respect doesn't come cheap 'round here. You gotta earn it by doing favors. Now go over there-"

Hatori interrupted Stone(d) again. "Personally, I'd rather you just leave me alone. I'm not doing anything for you, especially because you are an obnoxious human being."

Stone(d) laughed again. "There's one rule for staying in the dorm: 'You do what I say 'cuz I'm the RA.' Unless you want the dean involved? He's my great-uncle, by the way."

It was a good thing that Hatori had just strengthened his resolve. It would take a lot for him to decide to give up on Tokyo University just yet. "OK. What is it?"

"You see that couple over there, the one arguing? The girl, Citrine, is a high-up here. She's the Supreme Queen of the biggest girl club in the university. And my cousin. I want you to go over there and get that boy out, 'cuz he's annoying her. You got me?"

Hatori sighed. "Yes, I understand." He went over to the bench where Citrine and the boy were fighting. Actually, Citrine was winning, and the boy was in tears.

"Why won't you go out with me just once?" he sighed and groaned. He was on his knees in front of the bench where Citrine was sitting.

"Go away, Ganymede! You're making me late to my club meeting." Citrine tried to get up but was blocked by the boy.

"Please! I'll give you a million dollars!" wailed Ganymede.

Hatori took hold of the boy's shoulders and pulled him away from the bench. "You can't just bother people who want you to go away," he told Ganymede.

"He's ridiculous. This guy's been following me around ever since he started here," Citrine said to Hatori.

"Can I please, please come to that meeting with you? I'll be quiet."

"Hm. What's your name?" Citrine asked Hatori.

"Hatori Sohma."

"OK, Hatori. Would you mind coming to my club and making sure that Ganymede behaves?"

"Not at all," said Hatori. This whole "messed up school" situation seemed to require him to "make nice" to the right people. Hah! Hatori could play the game as well as anybody!

"She said my name!" said Ganymede.

"She already did."

* * *

*Maledict: according to , an adjective meaning accursed or a verb, to put a curse on. Funny name, no? If I ever become a supervillain, know for sure that this will be my name. The world is so lucky I use my powers for good...

**And that's what he deserves for trying to copy off the Beatles. Pathetic! (Ooops, sorry One Direction!) I actually don't mind that band too much, but they are not nearly as talented as the guys who they stole their cover from.

***I am not stealing your song Lady Gaga! But can't you hear the screaming in your head in place of the real lyrics?

* * *

Anyway, things are going great, and I'm introducing another guest next time. So far I have Dr. Dark, Stone(d), Rosalind, Ganymede, and Citrine. You'll get a kick out of it if you know your Shakespeare, especially _As You Like it_. But it will still be funny for those of the unwashed masses persuasion, which is everyone who hasn't had to read 10 Shakespeare comedies for school. And then perform part of one.

My eyes are blurring up.


	10. Fan Club!

I own nothing.

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Fan Club!**

Ganymede and Hatori followed Citrine into an empty classroom in the school building. The room was absolutely filled with girls, which made Hatori feel vaguely uncomfortable, like as if he had walked into a demon-summoning ritual and he was a goat. He and Ganymede stood by the door, and the room was seriously overcrowded. Many of the girls glared at them for invading their private club. _It's going to be a bit harder to find a girlfriend now that half the school thinks that I'm some wacko,_ Hatori thought.

Citrine stood at the podium at the front of the room, about five feet from the boys. She smiled at her audience. "Welcome friends, and thank you for coming. Has anyone got new information or photographs?"

A pretty girl in the back of the classroom suddenly raised her hand.

"What's your name?" asked Citrine.

The girl came forward to the front of the room near the podium. "My name is Melody Benighted and I have just one question. I was by the fountain a few minutes ago when a tide of girls pulled me into the meeting, which I know nothing about. What is the name of this club?"

Citrine smiled at the younger girl. "The Shigure club, of course. I hope that you stay, Melody."

_ The SHIGURE Club._

_ There is a SHIGURE Club in this school._

_ What the heck is a SHIGURE CLUB?_

No, no, no. Where these girls all brainwashed or something? Why oh why did they know of his family? Hatori suddenly could hear Aya and Gure singing their song, "Made You have a Bad Day". _We steal your moments when you need them the most_… (You may cry, Hatori fans. This story will be a sad one for you.)

He snapped himself out of his reverie. Surely there would be normal girls and boys here! He just hadn't met any yet; he had only tested a small sample of the population.

Melody looked confused. "Who is Shigure? Is he a surgeon I haven't heard of yet, or something?"

"No, no," said Citrine. "He's a romance author. The best one in Japan, and he's the best-looking one too." She clicked on the overhead projector, and there was Shigure, simpering on the screen.

"Ooooohhhh," sighed the girls. "He's sooooo handsome and dreamy."

"I don't see it," Melody said. "There are better-looking guys in this room than that idiotic-looking phony."

"I'm already taken," said Ganymede. Melody glanced dismissively at him.

Hatori felt uncomfortable, being the only other boy there. "Listen ladies, this man is a total jerk. No, not you _him_. Shigure. He's impolite to women and he's a lot uglier in real life. Can't you tell from the books he wrote that he's a male chauvinist?"

"It also sounds creepy that this _man _is writing _romance novels_. That's just weird." Hatori was starting to like Melody. Not only was she normal, but she was able to overcome peer pressure from the other girls. Plus! She didn't like Shigure.

"You should at least try it before you diss it," Citrine said reasonably. "You can borrow my copy of _Kissing Snowflakes_."

"Maybe when I'm done re-reading _Gifted Hands_," Melody shot back. "Or any other book about medicine and the human willpower. This whole Shigure club is a waste of time and energy."

"But we love him," Citrine said firmly. The other girls murmured in agreement.

Melody disagreed. "Come here, Ganymede, and tell this girl what it is to love."

Ganymede came forward and took hold of the side of the podium. He flipped to 5.3 of _As You Like It_, a Shakespeare play. He read Silvius's part dramatically. "It is to be all made of sighs and tears, and so I am for Citrine."

"And I for Shigure," chanted Citrine.

"And I for Shigure," chanted the girls.

"If you are so inclined," said Melody. Hatori nodded; he knew that some people behave in that manner.

Ganymede continued. "It is to be made of faith and service, and so am I for Citrine."

"And I for Shigure," chanted Citrine.

"And I for Shigure," chanted the girls.

"A nice sentiment," said Melody. Hatori agreed again.

Ganymede read on. "It is to be all made of fantasy, all made of passion, and all made of wishes, all adoration, duty, and observance, all humbleness, all patience and impatience, all purity, all trial, all obedience, and so am I for Citrine." He gasped for air. It had been a long sentence.

"And so am I for Shigure," chanted Citrine.

"And so am I for Shigure," chanted the girls.

"This makes no sense!" exclaimed Hatori and Melody at the same time. They looked at each other. Perhaps this is what love is really about.

Ganymede closed the book. "If you believe that this is what love is, then why do you hate me for loving you?" he asked Citrine.

"Because you're lame and whiney."

"But so is Shigure!"

"See what I mean?"

By the time Citrine started the program again, Hatori and Melody were already leaving the room with a sulking Ganymede in tow, totally ruining the mood.

"Have you noticed that many of the other students and teachers at this facility are acting in an abnormal manner?" asked Spock, um, I mean Hatori.

"Yes, I have. In fact, you are practically the normal person I have met today. We really should get to know each other better."

"I agree."

"So let's meet tomorrow afternoon at the fountain. Can you make five? There's a seafood place near here we can go to."

Ganymede had suspiciously disappeared. Hatori and Melody planned to meet up, and parted ways.

* * *

When Hatori passed near the playing field, he overheard the Roaches collecting its final members. Obviously Maledict had lured in some prospective musicians.

"So what's your name?" asked Maledict.

"DJ."

"Play anything?"

"Band stuff."

"Um, OK. You think you can switch to contacts?"

"I like my glasses."

"Well, we're kind of desperate, so we'll take you anyway. But you maybe you should try to get eyewear that doesn't consume your face."

"No."

"Well, so far it's just me, you, and the drummer. Why don't you talk to him?" Maledict seemed to be getting nervous around this mysterious DJ person.

"Good."

They were suddenly interrupted by Al, the geeky kid with dyed orange hair and painted-on freckles. "Why did you say no to me? I can play the harmonica!"

"Because you're obviously a nerd," Maledict answered. "Also you're really pasty! Don't you go outside at all?"

"So it's because I'm white and nerdy, isn't it?" asked Al.

"Yup."

Al trudged away after re-tying his sneakers and removing his best bowtie.

"Hey, can I join your band?" asked Tom Stone, the Resident Assistant.

"Sure," said Maledict. "Can you sing and play the guitar?"

"Can't anybody?" asked Stone(d).

"Sign right here," said Maledict. Stone(d) did so, and then he shared his homemade cigar with the boy from 4C, DJ and the drummer. That's what you do when you complete business deals.

"The Roaches are now a reality!" exclaimed Maledict.

Hatori walked on.

* * *

A short while later, Rosalind and Citrine were talking. "I saw him go into the dorm," said Rosalind.

"Good. We can plan out our next tricks," Citrine said. "And by the way, I love your acting skills. You really sounded like a lovesick shepherd or something," Citrine said.

Rosalind laughed. "I left him a nasty surprise in his backpack."

"Just don't go overboard. I know your hate him, but don't seriously maim him or something."

"And how is this your business?"

"No need to be nasty," said Citrine. "Just give us information on the kid and we'll make use of it."

Rosalind walked away, planning her status report.

* * *

I've got a lot of messages, so I'll put them in points, not paragraphs.

-We've now got another member of the hcDOOM club! Welcome, DJ!

-Also: If you want something to happen or if you have any ideas, tell me please.

-I know I'm giving away a lot of the plot twists, but I still have some tricks up my sleeve.

-Another thing to keep in mind is that even though this is supposed to be a humorous story, there are some serious elements. So don't feel compelled to laugh at everything. Or anything at all.

See ya next time!

Little Stone


	11. Killer on the Loose!

I own nothing but the best for youuuuuu, tooooo!

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Killer on the Loose**

From:Rosalind-Revenge

To: Sensei_number_one

Message sent on Monday, August 26, at 6:18 PM

Hey stupid, stop spamming my inbox, stop micromanaging the operation. No, he doesn't know who I am. Yes, he is likely to not last the week. And seriously? No, I'm not going out with you, you jerk. You ask every girl you meet, don't you? And no, none of the girls in that egotistical club you invented likes you for real. Stop asking these types of questions! We have serious work to do!

The ritual is good to go for tomorrow night.

-END TRANSCRIPT-

* * *

Hatori got back to his room, which was fortunately empty. He opened his bag and peered inside, a habit from those miserable days in which he would open his bag to find a nasty surprise inside. He found a nasty surprise inside. And not like those surprises in the old days or even lately when the tricks were meant to annoy or inconvenience Hatori. This was something dangerous.

His books were gone. That was simply tragic. In their place was a smaller bag, the type that never, ever leaks. It was open on the top. Inside the bag was this giant, spikey ball, like the head of a medieval mace. There was also liquid in the bag, covering the sharp spikes, and Hatori was really glad he hadn't just reached in his bag because it looked and smelled like toxic chemicals. Hatori would never admit it, but Gure and Aya possibly had saved his life.

He had left the bag in his room, where his roommates had been sleeping. He would interrogate each one of them and find out who did this terrible thing. And also who had tried to kill him.

What kind of sick person would steal his books, anyway?

* * *

Hatori was slightly ashamed of himself. He hadn't eaten anything since he had left yesterday morning besides for that health bar for breakfast. How would he get his family to eat properly if he didn't? The next thing he knew, he would be covering splinters with bandages and forgetting to clean his hands before performing surgery.

He went into the cafeteria, which was filled with students stuffing their faces with various delicious and wholesome foods. He approached the counter.

"Name?" asked the serving lady.

"Hatori Sohma," said Hatori, wondering why this was important.

The woman smiled nastily at him and gave him a brown bag.

By now, Hatori was suspicious of almost anyone who asked him his name. He opened the bag and inside it was a load of dirt.

Hatori looked at the woman, and the woman looked at him.

"Please, ma'am, may I have a pear?" he asked looking at the food on the counter.

"Are you still there?" the woman asked.

Hatori had had enough. "Why did you give me a bag of dirt?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" the woman replied.

The boy in line behind Hatori pushed him and stood in his place. The woman smiled at him and gave him a tray of food.

Hatori felt anger rise inside of him. He turned around and left the school grounds.

* * *

About an hour later he returned with a shopping bag filled with food he bought from a local grocery. The shopping bag was hidden inside another bag he had so that nobody would try to take his food away. By now he was wary and exhausted. But at least he was now full; he had eaten on a public bench outside the store.

He went up to 4D, which was again mercifully empty, and began to study from a medical textbook he found at the local library. (The school library was locked because the books were suffering from bibliophage. Those poor books.)

Little did he know that at precisely 7:00, he would be rudely interrupted from his studies. By his cousins. And not just Aya and Gure.

* * *

From: Sensei_number_one  
To: Nerdynumberone , Vanturblud , Boulderninja , SingingSensation

Message sent on Monday, August 26, at 6:50 PM

This is me, you know who! Reminder: Hatori will soon be receiving phone calls from his family, and if he isn't already in his room he soon will be there. I have some people being really annoying in all the other places he could go.  
There was a slight scare because he was off-campus, but my spies (Hahaha evil laugh) assure me that he was headed towards the dorm. All should go as planned. As planned. (Evil laugh again)  
Remember NOT to disturb him until 9, you four. If you did as I suggested and attached the camera underneath the top bunk bed, he should be caught perfectly. Afterwards, you can see the film and laugh. Please send it to me, too. It's going to be hilarious. (More evil laughter)

-END TRANSCRIPT-

* * *

Goliath, the vampire kid, and Al were getting to be great friends by now. They were sitting in the cafeteria eating chocolate cake.

"There's nothing like annoying somebody together to start off a great year," the vampire kid said.

"I'm glad I met you guys. I've been here for two years already and I didn't even know you existed," said Goliath, pouring sugar into his chocolate milk.

Al took out his phone and read Shigure's message out loud. "This guy really gets on my nerves."

"Why?" asked Goliath. "He made spelling mistakes or something?" He fist-bumped the vampire kid.

"No, it's because he thinks he's some sort of evil genius or whatever."

They all agreed. Shigure was annoying, but he had made up this fun activity. So they would continue to play along with whatever was going to happen.

* * *

Hope you liked this chapter! The next one will probably be looong. I should start soon.

By now, all the people who don't like reading fanfiction with lots of main characters have probably left. I keep on adding more and more characters, but soon it will level out some. If you want to be included, you should tell me soon.

If you haven't guessed based on this chapter, the dates line up to next week, the last one in August. So on Sunday the 25th, I'm going to remember Hatori trying to escape early in the morning and failing. Funnily enough, that's the day I'm escaping for another year in the dorms. And since I'm the annoying one, I'm not particularly worried.

The best!

Little Stone

* * *

P.S. When I was putting this up, the fake e-mails went all wrong. I think it's because it looks like a link or something. I think I won't use e-mails so often in the future, maybe telephone transcripts instead.


	12. A Series of Unfortunate Phone Calls

I own nothing.

This one's a whopper! Thanks for being my sounding board, Citrine!

* * *

**Chapter 12: A Series of Unfortunate Phone Calls**

Hatori was buried deep into his medical manuscript when the phone rang the first time. He heroically unearthed himself and picked up his cell.

"Hi Hatori." It was Kisa, his youngest zodiac cousin. She was four years old and so cute that wicked people automatically reformed when they saw her.

"Oh, hello, Kisa. How are you doing?" Hatori asked.

"Kisa's good."

Sometimes it's hard to wrangle a conversation from a little kid, even if they are calling you. But Hatori was good with small children. "Do you have something you want to tell me?" Hatori asked her.

"Uncle Shigure told me that you were lonely. Are you sad?" asked Kisa.

Hatori thought for a second. "Well, I'm not sad, but I do miss the family a lot." Well, some of the family, anyway.

"Can you come home soon?" Kisa asked.

"All right."

Kisa brightened up. "Thanks, Hatori!"

"You're welcome. And Kisa-"

"Yeah?"

"Don't listen to Uncle Shigure. Don't trust him."

"But he gives me candy!"

"Exactly."

"Huh?"

"Just – Just don't. Trust me, OK?"

"OK, Hatori."

She hung up the phone. Obviously Shigure had convinced her to call him to send Hatori a message. What was Shigure trying to say by using Kisa, specifically?

* * *

He was contemplating this and thinking about ways to become a better person when he got a second call.

"Shigure, what –"

"It's Hiro." Hiro was perhaps the brattiest five year old imaginable. He got along with Hatori though, as any reasonable person did.

"Did Shigure ask you to call me too?"

"What about Shigure?" Hiro asked.

"Kisa told me that Shigure told her that I was lonely and that she should call me."

"What a jerk!" said Hiro. "If I knew that, I would have told her that he was making it all up."

"So why are _you_ calling me then?" asked Hatori.

"Kisa made me do it. She was crying because she thought you were so sad."

"I'm going to kill Shigure," Hatori and Hiro said in unison.

Hatori heard a crash and a thud from Hiro's end of the line. "What was that?" he asked.

Hiro groaned. "My mom tripped and broke something again. Bye." He abruptly hung up.

* * *

Hatori went back to studying his textbook. It had a great diagram of the inner ear, which he started copying and labeling. The phone suddenly rang, startling Hatori so that he accidentally punctured his eardrum.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Hatori! This is Momiji!"

It turned out that his seven year old cousin had been fed the same lies as little Kisa. After Hatori reassured the boy, the conversation turned to Momiji's favorite topic: candy.

"Today I ate a pear made out of sugar," Momiji told him.

"I also ate a pear," Hatori said, hoping that he had misunderstood him.

"I'll send you some," said Momiji. "I hope that you are not missing out on treats because you are in college."

"Thanks, Momiji." The call ended. Momiji was a nice boy. The only one who couldn't stand him was his own mother. How sad.

* * *

Immediately afterwards, Haru called. He was also seven.

"What did Shigure bribe you with?" Hatori asked.

"He said he would do one page of homework for me."

Shigure would probably struggle on it too; this was a real sacrifice on his part just to annoy him. "You should check it over before you give it in to the teacher," Hatori said.

Haru sighed. "But the whole point is that I'm too dumb to do it myself. How would I know that he did it correctly?"

"You're a bright young man. You just have to believe in yourself."

"But I'm taking summer school!"

"Really? What are you studying?"

"Physics. And I'm last in my class."

"Aren't the others like, Kureno's age?"

"Yup."

"You're not dumb, Haru. Most kids in second grade haven't learned the scientific method yet. Who knows? One day you could be a great scientist!"

Haru sighed again. "But I'm the cow!"

They argued the sore topic (for the millionth time) for a few minutes until Haru abruptly said, "I have to go now," and hung up.

* * *

A few seconds later, the phone rang again.

"Rin, right?" She was nine.

"Hey."

"Ok, what did Shigure bribe you with to annoy me?"

"You don't like me?"

"Of course I do! But he got everybody to call me tonight so I can't study!"

Rin laughed a little. She wasn't emotionally stable because of what her parents had recently done to her. "First off, I didn't know about the plan. _Aya_ gave me a Hot & Smoky Makeup Kit if I called you now. And second off, I did it mostly to bug out those two jerks. _Normal_ parents wouldn't let their kids wear that kind of thing." She paused. "And now that you mention it, if Shigure had tried to buy me out I would have said no just to spite him. He's a piss-off."

"Curiouser and curiouser," Hatori mumbled. "Still, I don't think you should wear makeup that's too old for you. I don't think Akito would approve."

"He doesn't! I love messing him up. He gets so mad he makes himself sick."

"Please don't do it while I'm not home." He wasn't the only family doctor, but he was the best since his father had passed away.

"I respect that. Now, Kagura also has to talk to you. Don't tell them that I'm cutting the convo short, OK?" (Rin was staying at Kagura's house at this point in time.)

"OK."

* * *

Kagura's voice came loud and clear over the line. "Hey, Hatori! How are things?" (She was ten.)

"Great. What did they give you?"

"Oh, that. Ha, ha. Aya got me these awesome boots!"

"That's nice," Hatori replied.

"They have metal spikes on them and are made from top-quality leather. Can I tell you a story?"

"Sure."

"After Rin tried on her new makeup today, we went for a walk. This creepy guy was looking at her funny, so I beat him up. It was hard ripping the spikes out of him, though. I'm still getting the skin off of the metal."

"I'm glad that you were with Rin. You're great a martial arts."

* * *

Immediately after that conversation, the phone rang yet again.

"Ritsu?"

"I'm so sorry!"

"What did Shigure tell you?"

"I'm so sorry! I should have come with you to the train station yesterday!" Ritsu (age thirteen) was crying and hyperventilating.

"But I told you that you didn't have to come." And it was a lot quieter and calmer because he had listened.

"Shigure said that you missed me and were so upset. I'm so! So! So! Sorry!"

"Don't be. Shigure's lying; the only thing we discussed was how much he and Aya were annoying me."

"Thank you, Hatori!"

Hatori had tried before; he might as well try again. "Why don't you take medicine for your anxiety?" he asked.

"My mother told me that it would be a shame on the family if I took pills."

"That might have been true back in her day, but everyone's on something nowadays. Besides, wouldn't it be worth it if it made you feel better?"

"I'm sorry I'm a failure!"

After a few more minutes of this argument, Ritsu gasped, "I have to go! I'm sorry!" He dropped the phone, sobbing.

* * *

The next person to call was Kureno.

"And what did they bribe _you _with?" Hatori said, trying not to grit his teeth. (This unfortunately common habit is unhealthy.)

"Bribe?"

"How did Shigure get you to call me?"

"He just asked me to." Kureno was sixteen and always followed Shigure around. Shigure was actually his role model!

"Of course," sighed Hatori. It was getting hard not to moan, but he was no whiner.

"Shigure said that he was going to call you, and I do everything that he does. He eats rice, so I eat rice. He reads books, so I read books. He's going to go out with a girl many years younger than he is, so one day I'm going to go out with a much younger girl."

"What?"

"What?"

_"What _was that you said?"

"Oh, nothing," said Kureno. "I was just saying that I like to do what Shigure does."

"Can't you think for yourself at all?" asked Hatori. It was always worth a try.

"No. I'm absolutely ruled by others and their emotions."

"Good night, Kureno."

"Good night."

* * *

Ayame called a minute later.

"Oh, Tori! How are you doing?"

"Listen up, Aya. You. Are. Not. Doing. This. Ever. Again. Got that?"

"But Tori!"

"No. This was annoying and I'm really not happy with you right now."

"But wasn't it so very enjoyable talking to your beloved family again, after such a long parting?"

He had a point. It was nice talking to Kisa and Kagura and Momiji. But there was a line to be drawn.

"I only left yesterday."

"It's felt like forever for us, for me. Oh, Hari! How I miss you!"

Hatori sighed.

"Forgive me, please, my most dear cousin!"

"Look, I'll let this go, but no more pranks, OK?"

"Of course, Hari! Farewell, my beloved friend!"

Guess he had to talk to Gure now. "Goodnight."

* * *

The phone rang for the final time.

"Shigure. I'm going to strangle you."

Shigure laughed. "Can you believe it? I got the whole family on!"

"Except for Akito, Yuki, and Kyo, that is?"

"So you want to talk to the cat?" Shigure was laughing at him.

"You had no problem with KYO when we used to babysit him," Hatori said.

Shigure laughed again.

"Listen, Shigure. You are not doing this again. Or any other type of prank."

"Or what?"

"I'll give you shots when I come back."

Shigure whimpered. Hatori hung up on him. It was more menacing that way, and honestly, it wasn't like he had anything else to say to him. He went back to his textbook, relieved that he was free for the rest of the night. He had taken all the calls; his cousins could not reach him further. The rest of the night he would spend relaxing.

* * *

"_The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,__  
__But I have promises to keep,__  
__And miles to go before I sleep, __  
__And miles to go before I sleep."_

-Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

* * *

I represented the Sohmas as best as I could. I hope this sparks conversations on the attitudes, personalities, and flaws of the zodiac kids. Should I do more chapters like these? There's time enough to be flexible. It's only Monday night in the story, which will continue for at least two more chapters, I think. And then there's the rest of the week.

Also! The one who calls herself "Yuki's Girl" should contact me if she wants a fake name to represent her in the story. (Like Melody, Rosalind, and Stone) Commenting and PMing both work.

Until next time!

Little Stone


	13. Mortal Kombat!

I own nothing.

**Chapter Thirteen: Mortal Kombat! **

Hatori had fallen asleep with his head on his textbook. Usually, he wouldn't have put up with such sloppiness, but he was exhausted. (That was the plan, actually: to make Hatori so tired that he couldn't be able to figure out who was behind everything.) If he got up now, he would be in a dazed stupor.

"Hey, Hatori! Guess what!" It was Al's voice. If he ignored it, he might fall back asleep.

Tom Stone, the RA, threw a bucket of water at him. Ouch! Hatori bolted up and raced to the bathroom sink, where he washed his eyes out. It was actually rubbing alcohol, not water.

When he emerged, he was wide awake and furious. "Excuse me, but why would you waste good alcohol when water could do?" he asked.

The vampire kid snickered. "At least you're clean."

Hatori faced Stone(d), Goliath, Al, and TVK. "What do you want?" he said leadenly.

Stone(d) grinned wickedly, and motioned to Goliath,

"ICE BREAKER ACTIVITY!" Goliath roared. "COME OUTSIDE AND WE SHALL PLAY MORTAL KOMBAT!" He was howling and beating his chest. His muscles glared menacingly.

Before he could stop himself, Hatori muttered "As long as I don't have to fight you."

Goliath picked him up by his arms and dragged him outside, while the others followed.

It seemed like the entire school was at the playing field. Under the Mortal Kombat banner, Maledict provided music. It was a One Direction rip-off of "What Makes You Beautiful".

_Caesar's secure_,  
_Don't know what for,  
'Cuz the streets of Rome are full of disco-o-ord.  
A fickle friend  
Wants him to end.  
Caesar's gonna die by all of their ha-a-ands._

_Cassius says they have to stab Caesar.  
Calling him a geezer._

_Caesar should have listened to the aged man more.  
Caesar should have listened to his wife, Portia, more.  
He should have trusted Anthony, his true friend more,  
Oh, but no-o-o,  
No, Brutus was his best friend._

"Listen to him, the child of the night, what music he makes!" cried the vampire kid.

"I wrote the song for him," whispered Al in Hatori's ear. That made a lot of sense.

Goliath was talking to this giant of a man, who he introduced to Hatori. "This is my big brother."

"You be nice to my little bro, you hear me, punk?"

Stone(d) clapped his hands and the field became silent. In his little nasty voice he said, "Welcome to Mortal Kombat, TU edition." He waited. A boy and a girl held up signs that said "Clappe & Chire". The other students did so.

"I have all of your names in this bag. I'm going to pick out the first two who will fight. These are the rules: the first person to throw the other to the ground wins. Unlike in the real Mortal Kombat, you may not fatally injure the other players."

Most of the boys and girls groaned.

"You only have to participate if you are a boy. If you are a girl, you get to go free. Also, we are doing something like the fatalities. After you win, you are allowed one hit, kick, bite, etc. to your beaten opponent. Remember that the hospital down the road has a discount for medical students."

Hatori's thought of _that's not fair!_ turned to excitement. Maybe he could intern there!

Stone(d) picked the first names out of the bag. "Hatori Sohma and Og LeGeant."

"Hey, that's me!" rumbled Goliath's big brother.

"That's such a stupid name!" shouted Al in his squeaky nerd-voice. "The Biblical giant Og was killed by Moses!"

Og lunged for Hatori, who was unfortunately right next to Al. "Excuse me, but I have not said a word, let alone insult your name."

Suddenly he realized that all the other students had backed away from him and Og, forming a circle.

"Ready, set, go!" said Stone(d).

The seven-and-a-half-feet giant swung his meaty fists at Hatori, foaming at the mouth. "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!" he roared, like a bad TV bully.

Hatori was tired and totally pissed off by this point. He was stuck in a fight he didn't want with a giant muscle who wanted to send him to the morgue, not even the hospital. If you didn't know Hatori, this situation looked hopeless.

(But we know him. We know that Hatori can not only save us from any and all diseases, he does anything he can to avoid Aya and Gure. So he often visited the dojo, where the others would never follow. For one thing, they are places full of sweat and that makes Aya feel dirty. And Shigure? If you can actually imagine him actually working hard at something (other than making others cry, of course), you're delusional, darling. And there's something wrong with you if you like imagining Shigure exercising. I, the authoress of this story, now has a taste of strange cheese in my mouth; most likely my bile is warning me to think of another topic. Like the next scene.)

Og thrust his meaty fist at Hatori, obviously hoping to punch him through the spinal cord via his stomach. Hatori leaned to the side and grabbed Og's punching arm. Before this could register, Og swung his arm back into the air from where it came from. Hatori let go of Og's arm and launched himself away from the other boy by kicking him square in the face. He somersaulted in the air and landed lightly on his feet.

The kick had sent the giant sprawling onto his back, clearly unable to finish the fight. Hatori had won.

The field was silent. Nobody could say a word, except…

"Coward!" shouted Goliath. "He beat my brother with tricks instead of facing him like a man!" He advanced towards Hatori.

"No." said another voice. It was not the type of voice that commands, but rather the type that makes you want to listen to it for a long time, maybe forever. That's how Hatori thought of it, in any case. The voice, of course, belonged to none other than Miss Benighted.

"The only rule in this game is that you may not injure your opponent excessively," Melody said. "The time to make up rules is before the game, not after. Therefore you have no grievance against Hatori, is that right?"

Goliath growled and went over to his brother. Og got up heavily. "It's just a flesh wound," he said.

"It appears to me that you don't even have broken skin," Melody pointed out.

"I had no intention of injuring Og any more than I had to," Hatori said loudly.

"This whole contest was stupid, ridiculous, and a waste of time," Hatori and Melody said simultaneously.

"Attention! Attention!" announce Stone(d) in that nasty voice of his. "Hatori is now required to perform a fatality action against Og!"

"You should turn into a dragon and burn his head off!" Goliath said. He had quite forgotten his anger in his excitement. Ahhh, the creatively violent mind!

The word "dragon" made Hatori's heart skip a beat. But then he remembered that that was the kind of thing that happened in Mortal Kombat. But Fatalities didn't always have to be horrible, he thought.

"Give me your lunch money," he told Og.

"What?"

"I told you to give me your lunch money. You are unnecessarily loud and violent. You're the kind of guy that would steal from the school nerds."

Og forked over a few low-denomination bills. Hatori walked over to the ring of students.

"I'm giving this to you Al, but on condition that you do not mock others for their names or anything else you can think of. Especially around me."

Al took the money. "This feels so right," he said.

Hatori was walking back to the dorms when he heard Melody catch up to him. "Can you please stay, Hatori?" she asked. "I don't feel comfortable going back to my empty dorm, nor do I want to be with the other students who are participating in this bloody game."

"Sure, said Hatori. "It looks like there is some room on the bleachers, and it's a bit away from all that fighting."

Melody let him take her bag and they walked together, the grass crunching under their feet.

* * *

I think there will be another Mortal Kombat chapter, then Hatori finally shambles off to bed. Have we tortured him enough? Yes.

My sister showed me this dubbed thing (8 part 2 of 2), the part where Hatori recounts his memory. It was sad, but at least Shigure is awesome. My sister was so mad because Akito got a happy ending, and Hatori only kind of did. She's a good kid.

Fun Fact: Nobody stole my lunch money at school, but I had my food taken from me once by this girl I was terrified of. But if you think of Hatori, nobody would have taken _his_ food or money. For one thing, he was rich. (Would you want to beat up someone who can hire an Og?) For another, he always had Aya and Shigure hanging around, and bullies generally beat up loners. Also he was cool.

I can't believe I did it!  
Little Stone


End file.
